I invited Jesus into my heart when I was around 12 yrs old. I grew up in a Christian home. I am thankful to my parents for their dedication to God as they passed on what they knew about being a Christian.
Unfortunately, they too were raised up with a lot of rules on how to be “holy”. Obedience was necessary as well as the belief of repenting constantly with tears and great sorrow….. like most young adults, I rebelled and began to live like an unbeliever….
As a deeply devoted believer, I still wanted God’s approval so I never stopped believing that “one day” I would get it together. I have to say, I was persistent. I struggled, failed, and started over thousands of time. I’d barter, promise, and secretly plead for more mercy and forgiveness…..knowing I was likely to repeat that “bad behavior” again.
This (decades old) cycle resulted in physical breakdown. By the time I was 45, I was stressed to the max, fearful, been prescribed a wide variety of anti-anxiety/pain medications for the intense shoulder/neck pain and reoccurring headaches.
In order to get closer to God, I developed habits of daily bible study and prayer cause that’s what I’d been taught. I made vows to follow everything I read and did manage to get the outward cleaned up so at least I appeared more “holy”.
What I didn’t know, is that God is not interested in my outward, but my heart. Behavior modification does not change heart desires. In fact, it actually hinders the process of maturing in Christ.
The worst sort of misery is one who has the Truth, but it’s not working for them personally. Sure, I had stress in my life, but so did everybody. I reasoned away why stress “wasn’t that bad”. The day I realized it was beyond stress, it was actually anxiety, the red flags went up. I happen to know anxiety is a precursor to mental illness. I began to seek God for the root of my issues. Over the next several months, I started asking questions…looking for the cause of my messed up life.
In May of 2012, through a series of several strange events, I found healing and the Truth about who God really is. I experience a face to face meeting with the Father! Wow!! The love and gentle care He gave overwhelmed me. My only response was to weep…for all the wasted years of running, of pain and torment because I had an incorrect view of God. I didn’t really KNOW Him….as He so gently communicated to me.
I was set free from the bondage of oppressive religious rules and obligations. For the first time I could remember, I was free from the DAILY guilt that tormented me.
Holy cow!! I was angry, sad, felt cheated, shocked….the range of emotions took time to settle. How is it that I have been seeking God 30 plus years, attended many churches, been mentored by many great men and women of God,….and yet, I didn’t KNOW Him????? I knew about Him thru the bible, but didn’t know Him intimately…like sex know. How is that even possible??
Sigh….I didn’t have any answers and finally had to just make peace with it and start over.
I began my journey in Radical Grace training and what the death on the cross really bought for me. Jesus got the shit beat out of him so that I can live free in an effortless Christian life. I had never seen anyone live effortlessly as a believer. Everyone I knew was always struggling to “be better” and get more holy-like.
Today, July 7th, 2013, fourteen months later, I am loving the freedom in Christ, learning about the character of my Father and enjoying my new-found and fun communication.
However, I see so many good people wandering….they are miserable and helplessly locked in that same religious prison that I was. My heart yearns to help others find freedom and understand the Truth of correctly interpreted scripture. The bible was suppose to be a love story, not a book of rules to follow. Oh how far we have strayed. We desperately need correct representation of the Father;His love, acceptance and deep desire for a relationship…free of any judgment.
In my opinion, God should have fired His public relations department years ago…..just sayin.
That, my friends….is why this blog was born. It takes great courage to go public with my views that are not yet mainstream. I know full well the risk of backlash and ugly accusations that can come.
I watched “The Bible Series” that just recently aired on the History Channel. The fight that the disciples had with the temple priests and teachers of the law was fierce. It gets vicious when one is confronted by a law-keeper and feels he/she is defending “God’s standards”. I know because I use to be one of “those religious nuts”. Yup, this subject prompts great passion and intense debate. All I can say is….
Let the games begin!